Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Journal Excerpt 12/16/11

Just thought I'd share an excerpt from my personal journal: 

One minute I feel strong and confident about my decision to leave STBX.  I don’t worry about being alone; I realize it’s much more peaceful without him, and that I actually feel quite content and busy enough in my life to not  need him.  Then I’m going about my day, and BOOM a strike of terror runs though me.  “How will I live without the man I love?” “I feel so empty, so lonely.”  “Who will I tell my random thoughts to or tell something funny I heard?”  “Who will I share my day with? My problems, worries and fears (other than him)?”   He can be so compassionate and caring in difficult circumstances.  Why does he have to have good qualities? Those qualities are what seem to slowly draw me back to him.  Its times like these that it seems so easy and relieving and natural to fall back into the pattern of letting him back in.  And it is—for a while.  Then, he fucks up again, whether it’s a lie or a negative trait he displays Or, most recently, when he went on another drinking binge.  Before he left that night, I cried to him in fear that he would do the same thing he always does when he drinks.  He'll tell me he’ll keep in touch, and come back to be with me afterwards.  As I sat on the kitchen floor, sobbing with my head in my hands, he stooped to my level, pulled my face upwards towards his, looked me straight in the eye and said, “I promise I’ll be back.  I won’t fuck up again”.   I wanted so badly to believe him.  But deep, or maybe not so deep, down inside I knew he wouldn’t be back.  And he wasn’t.  He was MIA, a no show, whatever you want to call it.  Until 4:30am I got a call from an unfamiliar number so I didn’t answer it, but I suspected it was him.  The voicemail bell sounded and I listened with a sunken heart as he mumbled drunkenly, “Help me Lisa, I’m so lost.  I don’t know where my cell phone is, I don’t know where my car keys are.  I don’t want to lose you Lisa, I know I fucked up. Please.  I need help.”   I didn’t speak to him until late morning when I finally answered his calls.
“So what was it this time?” I asked.  “How’d it get so out of hand AGAIN?”
He gave me some bullshit story about starting at one bar which led to another bar and another etc…
“I didn’t even cross your mind?” I asked him.
“Yes, you did”, he responded.
“Then why in the fuck did you do this? Why didn’t you text me, or call me?  Why do you just go silent and say nothing?  It worries me and you know that! Why would you purposely do that to me?”
He didn’t really have a good answer and I still don’t understand it.   If he loves me so much, how he can put me through such worry and misery? He mumbled something about losing track of things and time when he’s drinking. 
Now, almost a week later he is saying that he will go back to AA and get sober again.  “I did it before and I’ll do it again”, he says.  Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.  But I am learning though therapy and reading “Codependent no More”, that it’s not MY problem whether he gets sober or not.  Which I do and do not agree with.  It IS my problem if his drinking begins to affect his job, which would then affect my child support.  It IS my problem when our daughter is older and asks, “Mommy?  Why didn’t Daddy come to pick me up today?”  So I guess my question is, how do I not let his drinking affect me when it directly and indirectly does?? 
Does anyone have any ideas or similar experiences to share?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Burritos, Smokes and Sex

Wow I found out quite the tidbit of info on my soon-to-be-ex tonight. He owes me $476 in child support and is 3 days late. ( I am still waiting on the court date where this will be garnished from his wages). I still have access to his bank account so I wanted to see why he doesn't "have the money". Well, seems that between his expensive eating out habit and his disgusting smoking habit, he has joined a SEX HOOK UP website for $30 something a month. Oh how I wished I hadn't found that charge on his statement. I didn't need to know that he is acting like a sicko sex freak. And his profile-- I cannot even get into what it said without feeling the need to vomit. I am so sickened right now. Not because of his pathetic decision to join this sleaze, but because that's money he spent that should have gone to me and our daughter!!! So burritos, smokes and sex are more important than taking financial responsibility of his family. I am sickened-- this is an all time new low for him.

Setting Boundaries

One of the things I have learned through Al-Anon and reading the life-changing book, "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beattie, is the need to set boundaries with people in my life.  Specifically,  my soon to be ex.  If I give him an inch he will take a mile.  If I talk to him about anything beyond our daughter, things will quickly escalate into an out of control mess.  It is so serious, that I have decided that I must set clear boundaries with him. I will only speak to him regarding our child and money matters.  This is all that's left of our relationship, after all.  But I find myself regressing back to old patterns of either a) bitching at him about x, y, z or b) wanting to share something about my day with him, as we used to when we were together.  I have found that doing either one of these things does nothing but open doors that should remain closed.  It is hard having a good or a bad day at work and not sharing it with him.   He's the first person I think of to tell when something significant happens in my life.  But he is no longer my confidant.  I have to break the habit of talking to him about anything other than business. Isn't it crazy that someone I once shared everything with, body and soul, is now reduced to business matters?  Has anyone else had issues establishing boundaries? 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

So you had a bad day...

In my life, drama seems to follow me everywhere I go.  It's bad enough to have drama right now in my personal life, but when you throw work into the mix it just downright makes for a bad day.  Don't get me wrong--I LOVE my job and I feel very fortunate to have such a great one, let alone one at all.  But today the shit hit the fan.  Without details, what happened basically entails a person or persons (to be determined) who bent and grossly exaggerated the truth.  I'm really not sure why people do this.  In a work setting, I think they a) sometimes don't have much of a life outside of work and they like to create and stir up drama and b) think that it will put them in the good graces with the higher-ups.  Whatever the case, it really put a hell of a dent in my day. 
On top of that, the newly adopted dog bit not one but TWO of my children today.  Evidently rawhide bones turn Dachshund/Beagle mixes into a doggie version of the Terminator.  Then ex #2 blames me and asks what I'm "gonna do about it".  Of course he didn't give a shit that the dog bit my son, because "that one's" not his.  But our daughter, oh that was much more important.  I hate him and I hate that he ignores my sons.  Last night, my oldest son was playing basketball outside and he slam dunked the ball then fell flat on his belly against the concrete.  Poor guy got the wind knocked out of him.  There I was tending to him and ex #2 just smirked and walked away.  Didn't even say a word.  The sitter told me he did the same tonight when the dog bit my younger son.  Sick.  He used to have a relationship with the boys.  I don't know what happened.  It seems that the more he hates me the less he interacts with the boys. 
Well, that's all for now.  I had a bad day.  But tomorrow is a brand new day.  And the possibilities are endless.  And our power is limitless if we use our minds the right way.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Husband #1 vs. Husband #2

I am currently about to go through my second divorce.  Just typing that and reading it bring about all sorts of feelings: shame, embarrassment, confusion, sadness.  I suppose I am following the statistics nicely, how's that for compliance?  Second marriages have a bigger chance of failing than do first marriages.  Yeah I knew that, but I went ahead and did it anyway.  Why? I'll get to that later in the post.

My first husband is responsible, hard-working, loyal, mature, sensible, outgoing and also quite boring--to me, at least.  We ran out of interesting things to say to each other after the first year.  He's not a particularly deep thinker, and is neutral on most topics to a fault.  Everything about him is vanilla--including sex.  He became more of a brother to me than a husband. The highest compliment I believe I received from him was an almost forced and very matter of fact, emotionless "you look good".  This includes the first time he saw me on our wedding day. Fast forward 10 years and I decided to exit the marriage in search of "true love".

Enter husband #2.  He is irresponsible, lazy, immature, socially awkward, mean spirited and saving the best for last: an alcoholic.  Now why on earth would I marry this guy??  Because from day #1 he treated my like a princess.  He complemented me non-stop.  Told me how beautiful, smart, sexy, hot, funny, amazing I was.  He made me feel like the only woman on earth.  He was affectionate and loving, compassionate, and generous.  Husband #2 was just what the doctor had ordered after such a long marriage without passion.  He was like the rain that had come and drenched my dried out, thirsty soul.  And I ate it up.  Bit by bit piece by piece, I was able to overlook all of his shortcomings (and there were a lot) just on the fact that he filled me up with happiness and love.  It's amazing what you can become blind to when you are so needy.  Eventually, the niceties began to disappear and the dark side began to show through.  We would fight frequently, to the point where we couldn't go more than a day, maybe two if we were lucky, without fighting.  Then the fights turned into full on battles.  They became so explosive and so frequent that I couldn't take it another minute.  I kicked him out of the house and told him we needed to separate.  At that point I believed that I still loved him so I viewed it as a chance for both of us to indulge in some space and time to clear our minds and cool off.  Unfortunately he didn't take this idea too well, and began threatening me with all sorts of things he could do to screw me over.  For my own safety, I felt forced to go to the courthouse and file for a legal separation.  Fast forward three months and nothing has changed between us. 

Two failed marriages with two men who are polar opposites of each other, and one me.  My first instinct is to blame myself, after all, I am the common denominator.  But everybody knows it takes two to make a thing go right...it takes two to make it outta sight (sorry couldn't resist)!  Now here I am, 35 and back to the drawing board.  I am trying to make a promise to myself and it is this: I will not get into another relationship until I have become a relationship pro.  How will I do this you ask?  By becoming a student.  I am going to therapy once a week. In almost every spare moment I can steal away I am reading relationship books, blogs, articles, listening to relationship audio books in my car on my commute to work.  Some of the things I am focusing on are taking care of myself and worrying less, if at all, about others.  Especially my significant other.  I am learning that I cannot control others, but I can control myself and my reactions to others.  I am also studying many relationship theories including "The Imago Theory", founded by Dr. Harville Hendrix. (Oprah likes this one ha ha). I have a long and arduous road ahead of me, but I am moving forward, one day at a time.