Back from a hiatus

I cannot believe that it's been so long since I have written a post.  I didn't even finish the A-Z challenge, although I got to letter X...
Oh well, life has been busier than busy and some things have to take a backseat.

But I'm hopefully back!

Work is almost unbearable some nights.  Working 7PM-7AM is not only grueling because of the hours, but my hospital has decided that the ratio of nurses to patients is 1:7.  How in God's name can I appropriately care for 7 patients at once?  It's been hellish...

My job is draining physically, emotionally and mentally.  I have no choice but to do it because as a single mother, and the night shift makes me available for my kids during the day.   Also the money is better.  I just don't know how long it will be before the sleep deprivation catches up with me. 

My husband officially moved out two weeks ago.  After our separation in October, and reconciliation in February, I decided that it is never going to work.  Addicts don't change unless they want to change.  I am powerless over his actions and decisions.  I am powerless over his continuous, countless lies.  I can, however,  change my attitude and choose not to live with him or put up with his behavior.  It's so sad because he blames me for "giving up on the marriage".  He says he would have changed and that I wasn't being patient enough.  3+ years of living with an addict and waiting for him to change evidently wasn't patient enough in his opinion.  He says if I loved him I would have waited longer.  I guess that must mean I love myself more.

So here I am, working like a dog, trying by best to raise my children.  Some days I feel hopeless and afraid of the future.  I have no idea what happens next.  I'm 36, been married twice, have 3 kids.  I know I am still young but I feel like the rest of my life is a blank page.  In a way it's good because I can write whatever I want without him holding me back, but it's scary as hell.  I always want to know what comes next in life.  My therapist told me to stop and take it one day at a time.  That is honestly all I can do.  That and let God guide me to where I am supposed to be.  I love a couple quotes from Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" which are:

"Let go and let God", and

"Everything is as it should be"

Sometimes those quotes are all that gets me though the day.

Anyone who is still following me after my hiatus, I would really appreciate any words of encouragement right now.  I could use some positive energy.  Thank you.

X is for eX husbands

I have two exes.  So pathetic so admit.  I couldn't make not one marriage work but TWO.  Maybe marriage just isn't for me.  I am a strong, independent well-educated woman.  I can be stubborn. I have high expectations.  I guess those attributes don't make for a good wife?  I'm feeling really down right now and I don't want to end up alone, but I don't see myself getting married a third time, that just seems ridiculous. 

Working with cancer patients, the one consistent thing is that many have their spouses devotedly at their bedside.  Sure, the kids visit, but it's the spouse who is there night and day.  Now I think if God forbid one day I am in that situation and I am lying there, dying all alone...depressing thought.  I will pray that God finds someone for me and that I can be happy one day.

W is for Way Too Late

Those of you who were following my blog before the A to Z challenge will know that my husband and I have been having problems for about a year now.  Last October we separated for four months, then reconciled.  Since he's been back, things have not been any better than they were before, and actually I'd say things have been worse.  I really wanted to give it one more try, I truly wanted us to work out.  But now I realize that we probably should have stayed apart because now I have to start the grieving process all over again. If we had stayed apart then I would be farther down the road to recovery.  Oh well, live and learn.  I have learned a lot from this relationship and have a beautiful daughter from the relationship, so I will take the positives that came from it and try not to wallow in self pity for too long...

V is for Very Grateful

Every time I go to work, I care for very sick and/or dying people.  As depressing as it sounds, and don't get me wrong--sometimes it is--it makes me so much more cognizant of my good fortune to have my health.  I am so grateful and thank God each day that I am healthy and able to help those who are not. 

U is for "Up Front and Personal"

Sounded like a deep blog post, didn't it?  Nope.  Just one of my favorite colors from OPI.  It's a microshimmer and it's a lovely, regal, subtly, sparkled gold color.  It takes 4-5 coats to achieve this look, but it's worth it!  I receive compliments everytime I wear it. 

T is for Tripp

I am dedicating T day to Tripp Roth, from my favorite blog, "EBing a Mommy"  Tripp passed away recently from a rare genetic disease called epidermolysis bullosa.  He lived to be just over two years old and his mother, Courtney, is nothing short of an inspiration. 

I happened to come across the blog by chance, and I have been mezmorized with Courtney and Tripp's story ever since.  I highly recommend checking it out.

S is for Sand

To go along with my "O" post, I am posting about the beautiful sands I have seen at beaches.  There have been the black and pink sands of Hawaii:

the golden yellow sands of the west coast, the tan sands of Mexico, but prettiest sand so far that I have seen is in the Bahamas.  It was a fine, near white, gorgeous sand. 

Sand feels good underneath your feet, kids (and adults)! can play in and with it, and it's the perfect color compliment to a deep blue or turquoise ocean.  Here are some photos from the Bahamas: