Sunday, June 10, 2012

Back from a hiatus

I cannot believe that it's been so long since I have written a post.  I didn't even finish the A-Z challenge, although I got to letter X...
Oh well, life has been busier than busy and some things have to take a backseat.

But I'm hopefully back!

Work is almost unbearable some nights.  Working 7PM-7AM is not only grueling because of the hours, but my hospital has decided that the ratio of nurses to patients is 1:7.  How in God's name can I appropriately care for 7 patients at once?  It's been hellish...

My job is draining physically, emotionally and mentally.  I have no choice but to do it because as a single mother, and the night shift makes me available for my kids during the day.   Also the money is better.  I just don't know how long it will be before the sleep deprivation catches up with me. 

My husband officially moved out two weeks ago.  After our separation in October, and reconciliation in February, I decided that it is never going to work.  Addicts don't change unless they want to change.  I am powerless over his actions and decisions.  I am powerless over his continuous, countless lies.  I can, however,  change my attitude and choose not to live with him or put up with his behavior.  It's so sad because he blames me for "giving up on the marriage".  He says he would have changed and that I wasn't being patient enough.  3+ years of living with an addict and waiting for him to change evidently wasn't patient enough in his opinion.  He says if I loved him I would have waited longer.  I guess that must mean I love myself more.

So here I am, working like a dog, trying by best to raise my children.  Some days I feel hopeless and afraid of the future.  I have no idea what happens next.  I'm 36, been married twice, have 3 kids.  I know I am still young but I feel like the rest of my life is a blank page.  In a way it's good because I can write whatever I want without him holding me back, but it's scary as hell.  I always want to know what comes next in life.  My therapist told me to stop and take it one day at a time.  That is honestly all I can do.  That and let God guide me to where I am supposed to be.  I love a couple quotes from Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" which are:

"Let go and let God", and

"Everything is as it should be"

Sometimes those quotes are all that gets me though the day.

Anyone who is still following me after my hiatus, I would really appreciate any words of encouragement right now.  I could use some positive energy.  Thank you.

3 comments:

  1. http://youtu.be/QaXr2vGDQwk

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  2. You're better off without him, babe. Your kids are lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have them too. You have a beautiful life ahead--there is no reason those of us who want that won't get it. So open up book and start writing on those crisp, clean pages. :-)

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