Monday, February 27, 2012

Monogamy: the Ultimate Form of Love or a Restraint on Your Freedom?


A friend and I were talking yesterday about monogamy and open relationships.  We were able to cut the conversation short when we both realized that we had very different viewpoints on the subject.  But, as she always does, she left me thinking.  Essentially, my opinion was that if you do not naturally want to be monogamous to your significant other, then you are not with the right person.  Her side was that no one person can fulfill all the needs of another.  I did agree with this point, however, I consider that statement to be limited to things other than intimacy such as friendships and other forms of platonic relationships.  Interestingly, I have actually been on both sides of  this debate.  In my first marriage, an open relationship may have been the perfect solution for what I was lacking from my husband.  Now, in my second marriage, I am a much firmer believer in monogamy...I think...

 At one point in time, not too long ago, three-quarters of all human societies were polygamous.  Countries such as Africa, Asia, the Middle East still practice polygamy.  And what about polyamory?   According to Wikipedia, the definition of polyamory is : "the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved."  So essentially, both polygamy and polyamory involve having more than one lover, assuming by consent.  I am of the general belief that if everyone involved agrees, and nobody is getting hurt, then anything goes.  I am not here to judge. However, I do wonder, then what is the point of being in an exclusive relationship? If one wants several lovers, why not just be single?  I believe that love knows no color, race, sex, gender, or even age (as long as it's legal age, of course!).  But I also believe that intimate love should stay between two people.  After all, isn't that what makes it so special?  I believe that we can have strong feelings for and love others while being  in a committed relationship. But to share the depth, sensuality and intense closeness that two people share while making love is what sets that relationship apart from all others. I said in the previous paragraph that I have been on both sides of this debate, let's examine my two marriages:

In my first marriage, I received trust, stability, reliability and solidity from my husband.  I did not receive much intimacy-- sexual or otherwise.  He was quite closed off and  even prudish by my standards.  I, however, have always been a very sexual being.  I love sex, I love intimacy, and when deprived of it, I came to find that I was left looking for it elsewhere.  After four years of a marriage without intimacy, I decided that it was something that I could not live without.  At that point, I didn't want to leave my husband.  My needs for sex and intimacy seemed like a selfish reason to leave.  We had two young children together and he was a wonderful father and provider.  He was also my best friend.  But as the years passed there was no denying that I felt like more and more of a sister to him than a wife.  Over the course of those years with my first husband, I had toyed several times about the idea of having an open relationship.  We would remain together as husband and wife, the kids wouldn't be disturbed by divorce, and we would maintain our relationship but would be free to seek intimacy outside the marriage.  At the time, that seemed like the perfect solution for me.  For him, not so much.  I brought it up a few times, mostly in a joking fashion to test the waters, and he would immediately shut even the thought of the idea down.  He saw it as cheating.  And really, when I think about it, he wasn't the one missing or seeking intimacy so it would have been of no benefit to him.  One thing is for sure: if an open relationship it to be established, both people in the relationship need to benefit from it. 

I eventually left my first husband in search of "true love".  Intimate love, sexual love, deep, passionate connecting love.  I am happy to say that it didn't take me too long to find it, although he didn't come with all the bells and whistles that my first husband came with (read about my two marriages here for more).  With my second husband, monogamy came naturally.  I never had the desire to stray or even think about straying because I was 100% satisfied with the level and quality of intimacy.  This was the complete opposite of how I felt with my first husband.  It's funny because before I met hubby #2, I was convinced that serial monogamy was impossible for me.  It simply just wasn't for me and I was dead set on that.  But I also had never found an intimate, satisfying  love with anyone before.  Now that I had it, the thought of being monogamous wasn't even an issue, it was a given.  Luckily, hubby #2 felt the same way.  Monogamy worked for us. 

Now I have a new found opinion of the sanctity of monogamy.  And my question remains: is monogamy something that is not for everyone, or is it a state that can only be achieved through being with the right person?  If two people committed to being with each other want more, are they wanting more because they aren't truly right for each other?  Is an having an open relationship settling for less?  If you could choose to have a monogamous relationship that was completely fulfilling and satisfying to the point of not wanting anybody else, or a relationship that allowed you to stray, allowed you that freedom, which would you pick?  Should monogamy be the holy grail of committed relationships; something to be coveted and to strive for, or does it go against human nature?

I would absolutely love to get a conversation going here! I welcome comments from all walks of life, as I am very eager to hear your opinions on this topic.  So please share!  How do you feel about monogamy?


14 comments:

  1. Good luck with your very complicated life! Nobody's perfect, and I don't want to judge you for your search, your choices, but do I feel sad that your children are growing up in such a de-stablized situation. Marriage, relationships can be tough, but when it's just grown-ups figuring out their lives - go for it, god bless! Add kids to the mix and your decisions become so much more IMPORTANT, have so much more IMPACT. I have 3 kids, as does my sister. She divorced her husband 4 years ago, and is a very good mother and provider for her children. But she moved a man (w/alcohol problems btw) right into her home, and that caused TREMENDOUS tensions, problems in the extended family. Basically, our close-knit family life ENDED, has never been the same. Very very difficult for our mother. A BIG loss for me. My wonderful nieces seem ok - but who knows? Without a doubt, they feel the strain between my sister and her ex-husband, and the strain in the extended family caused by my sister's live-in boyfriend. How do the girls REALLY feel about the situation, do they even KNOW how they really feel? How will they PROCESS the chaos that occurred in their home during these very fleeting years of childhood? As I always tell myself, maybe we'll know someday, years from now, decades from now. And the story will be different for each one of them. Life is tough, truly I wish you the best, think of your KIDS, and I hope you can get yourself the support & help you need from friends, family and professionals if need be. Figure out the RIGHT thing for you to do, and DO IT! Easier said than done, right? Again, good luck.

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    1. Thank you, Anon- I appreiate you taking the time to read my blog! I am very lucky to have well-adjusted kids. My first husband and I are good friends, and the problems with my current husband I have been able to minimize on the outside so that my kids are affected as little as possible. Everyone wants a "perfect life, a perfect situation" for their children. But as long as nothing too traumatizing happens, I believe it is good that kids see real life, real conflict--as long as they also see the healthy way to deal with it. I have never been one to remain in an unhappy situation for the "benefit" of my children. A happy mom makes for happy kids, and visa versa. Being a mom is a tough job everybody knows, and I think most of us are doing the best we can most of the time. Thanks for your input!

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  2. Interesting question! How I answer it now is different from how I would have answered it at different stages of my life. How I would answer it now is probably linked to the Buddhist concept of right action, less concerned with rules and more concerned with inner path.

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    1. Thanks for sharing, Galen! That sounds interesting I'd love to hear more!

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  3. I don't have any sort of expert opinion here but I believe in monogamy for the same reason as you described with your second husband: I have a wonderfully balances relationship and have no need to look elsewhere. However, I have read a ton of m/m/f romance novels and though fiction, I always wonder if some people make this work in some way, shape, or form. I believe it cane work if people are open enough to the idea and everyone gets what they need.

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    1. Hi Claire- thanks for reading my blog post! I appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion :-)

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  4. Every relationship and person is different, each come with alternatives to the current belief that monogamy is the holy grail of commitment. Just like many things in our society we create walls and boundaries based on the belief of "some" and assume that this standard is applicable to all. If the ability to love and share your intimate nature is limited in your situation to one person than that is the correct answer for you, but as with all things that answer will not fit for the person next door.
    The idea of cheating and polygamy should not be interchanged or mis-understood. To cheat is to deceive and act dishonestly. A person living in an honest open relationship is not acting dishonestly and there is not an intent to cause harm.
    I think that the idea that you can put the same lid on every pot is crazy. Don't put the same label on all relationships. Your friend maybe in a very different space/place in her life and have the capacity to love and be loved by more than one person. Her love is not less than someone who selects monogamy it is just different. Be open to the differences, it is amazing what you might find.

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    1. Thanks for sharing, Anon #2. I have a question for you: how is jealousy dealt with in this type of a situation?

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  5. Lisa, such a daring topic and a difficult place to find yourself.

    I can only speak for myself, so here goes.

    I am a firm believer that God created one man for one woman for a lifetime. Now I know that to many that seems unrealistic and arcaeic but for me it seems simple not to mention so much easier, I can barely handle the one man I have! I would never sit in judgement of someone who had a different opinion pr life style than mine as I do not feel that is my job so please do not misunderstand. I think on topics like this it is best to agree to disagree as long as the innocent are not being hurt and based on the content of your post and your replies to the comments you're doing a good job doing just that.

    I wish you luck finding the "right answer" and I applaud your bravery for throwing this out there. Don't let the negative, judgmental anonymous people get in your way.

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    1. Wonderful that you gave an honest response, and I do realize that this is a very contraversial topic so I appreciate that.

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  6. Wow. What a deep conversation for a Tuesday link up. Well, I have a friend who has an open marriage. It works for them. It would NOT work for me. I am very satisfied with my monogamous relationship I share with my husband. But I'm not the judge. Most of us believe that we'll have to answer to a higher power and I was raised in the written word which says that monogamy is the way to go. Does everyone believe this way? No. But like I said, monogamy works for me. Thank you for linking up with us yesterday. This was a very interesting topic!

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  7. Anon#2 again...
    Jealousy is healthy and human, but the display of jealousy is often neither. As we evolve and grow as people there is a understanding and control of our emotions that allows us to process and analyze the why and the how and determine if this is what makes us happy. A little bit of jealousy never killed anyone. I always think of it as a reality check, it shows that I have feelings and allows me to evaluate what I want to do with that emotion. Additionally, I have to be secure in the relationship or I shouldn't be there, if there is true honesty the jealousy should be minimal. I am not someone who follows a doctrine that contains detailed instructions for my accountability, but a more general "Do no harm". Communication and openness are key. It is ok to be jealous, but the action that follows will determine the course for the relationship...treat others the way you wish to be treated. If you want others to dictate your path...
    Thank you for responding and having an open dialog on a subject that usually raises some pretty good feathers, love it when there is a space for diversity.

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    1. Thanks again for your valued input. Very insightful, which is what I was looking for when I wrote this post. One of my goals in this blog is to always keep an open and non-judgemental dialog on the issues I discuss. Diversity is always welcome!

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