I am in love with a man who is flawed. He is a broken and lost little boy who never dealt with his childhood traumas. He is a man who turns to the bottle, cigarettes or some other self destructive form of behavior to numb his pain. He will do anything to run from it, to not feel it. He was doing this when I met him 4 years ago. He stopped and got sober for awhile, and when we separated last October, he went back to his destructive lifestyle. The last four months have been trying, to say the least. I have cried more than I probably have since the hormone-fueled says of high school. I have tried to envision my life without him, to no avail. Fast forward to this very day, and he has finally begun the process of healing. So where does that put me?
About 3 weeks ago, my MTBX (I have changed the reference from STBX to "Maybe to be Ex") saw a psychiatrist. It was at my suggestion-not by force or demand as my former codependant self would have. He was agreeable. I knew that nothing would ever be solved between us if his brain chemistry was so off balance and causing him to be so irrational and moody. The psychiatrist diagnosed him with Major Depressive Disorder. I was pretty shocked. I figured maybe moderate depression, but this was the real deal. She put him on a stronger anti-depressant than he had been taking and told him it could take 3-4 weeks to begin feeling its effects.
He is also seeing a therapist. This is his second therapist--he didn't like his first one. Said he just sat there and listened without offering any advice. He likes this one, and I can tell he already respects her opinion. She has told him that he is not to drink, especially on this new medication. Luckily he hasn't binged in a couple of months. He seems to finally be serious about getting better. All his ducks are in a row. He has the tools and resources and support he needs. Whether or not he will now do the hard work is up to him.
In my recent months of realizing how codependant I am, I have learned a great deal. The more you try to force somebody to do something, the more they will resist. You can bitch and moan until you are blue in the face, but the person has to change on their own terms. That is sometimes easier said than done when some of the things the other person does can affect an entire family. That is the line I am having a hard time staying behind. If he goes out and spends $200 on something that is totally unecessary and not in our budget, that affects the whole family because when you are living paycheck to paycheck, something else will have to give.
It is also so very hard to be around someone who is depressed. I feel so helpless. I can't do a thing to cheer him up sometimes and Codependant Lisa takes that personally. "If he really loved me and wanted to be back together with me, wouldn't it make him happy if I suggested we go out on a date?" His reaction is blank. A forced "sure" makes its way out of his mouth.
The anti-depressants seem to be working a tiny bit, but his Dr. said to give it an entire month before uping the dosage or switching to something new. So right now, my fate seems to be held inside one little plastic bottle. If it fails him, it fails all of us.